// Behind the scenes. A photo and the story behind it!

My ordeal began on 11 December 2016 with a major tragedy. My husband died, and my entire life changed. It felt exactly like having the ground pulled out from under my feet. The pain was impossible to describe. I was left alone with my 12-year-old son, Márk, who meant the world to me then and still does today.

My ordeal began on 11 December 2016 with the greatest tragedy of my life. My husband died, and everything changed. It felt as though the ground had been pulled out from beneath me. The pain was impossible to put into words. I was left alone with my 12-year-old son, Márk, who meant the world to me then and still does today.

I don't think I am alone in facing one of life's great questions: how do we experience our femininity once we become mothers? For every mother, FAMILY naturally comes first, and we often place the wishes and needs of our children and partner before our own. Please do not misunderstand me — most of us do that with love. Maternal instincts are real. Yet sooner or later a question appears: Where do I fit into this picture?

How long can you keep going? I married in July 1979. We had three sons, all adults now. My marriage was good until my third child was born on 29 September 1994 — and, to be fair, for about four years after that too. Then perhaps my husband's long-term unemployment changed everything. I gradually became both mother and father in the family because he no longer seemed interested in me or the children.

I have known my husband for almost ten years, and we have been a couple for practically every hour of that time. It truly was love at first sight. I don't know what that cliché means to other people, but for me he is “the one”. He has everything I value and look for in a relationship. So after university it felt natural that we moved in together, then married, and now we have a wonderful child.

Finally, the bus is here. Late again, even though it only comes from the next town. Somehow it is almost always late. On a pleasant spring evening like this, waiting does not feel quite so bad. Spring is my favourite season. Breathing deeply feels better somehow, and so does sighing. I sigh a lot these days, trying to lift the weight sitting on my soul — even though I know every sigh relieves the pressure in my chest for only a few seconds.

I'm waking up, and for a moment I don't even know where I am. It's warm. Very warm. The sound of traffic filters in through the window — not loudly, just enough for me to sense that Warsaw is waking up with me. Ella is still asleep beside me. She looks so fragile and beautiful. I want to touch her, but I decide to let her sleep. It feels good to lie here and stretch the moment a little longer.

I doubt there is an ordinary woman who has never, even just in her imagination, wondered what it would be like to try a dominant or submissive role. I know several women whose curiosity was awakened by reading Fifty Shades of Grey. But when I experienced some of that world for myself, I realised the book was only a romantic fantasy scratching the surface. Still, let me not jump too far ahead.

I will never forget it. One evening I was waiting for the metro and looked along the platform at the people around me. My eyes stopped on two young men standing opposite each other, talking and laughing. Then one of them gently ran his hand along the other's arm. That single movement contained everything. Restrained, yet powerful. A quiet declaration. They were considerate of the people around them and revealed only enough for us to sense what was obvious to them: They

I am 48, yet I feel that the most extraordinary things in my life are still ahead of me. I am not an unhappy person — quite the opposite. I can find joy in even the smallest things. And still, it feels as though something keeps drawing me toward new wonders. But wonders do not simply fall into our laps from one day to the next. I spent thirty years working in healthcare: as a nurse, an assistant, a home-care worker on the side and a hospice nurse.

Every woman faces struggles in life. Some smaller, some larger, depending partly on the package we arrive on Earth with: budget, mid-range or fully loaded. You may have the fully loaded background and excellent packaging, but unfortunately that does not mean inner radiance comes as standard equipment. In fact, I don't think a woman has ever been born on this planet who was one hundred percent satisfied with herself.