Starting Over After 40

Újrakezdeni mindent 40 felett - Történetek Nőkről nem csak Nőknek!

My ordeal began on 11 December 2016 with the greatest tragedy of my life.

My husband died, and everything changed.

It felt as though the ground had been pulled out from beneath me.

The pain was impossible to put into words.

I was left alone with my 12-year-old son, Márk, who meant the world to me then and still does today.

My family, friends and colleagues at work stood beside me as one.

I will be grateful for that for the rest of my life.

Shortly after my husband's death, I also underwent gynaecological surgery and spent several weeks at home recovering.

That gave me a great deal of time to think — and to begin rebuilding my life.

I thought often about the fact that I had never truly been able to develop as a Woman inside my marriage.

I had mainly lived the roles of wife and mother.

Looking back, I believe that was a serious mistake.

I worked a great deal.

Raised my son.

Buried myself in my job.

But I had to move forward because I understood that nobody else could solve our life for me.

I bought back our apartment.

Renovated it.

Built financial security.

And became extremely proud of myself because I achieved all of it alone.

Emotionally, however, I was not well.

Then, at the point when I felt I could no longer continue, a helping hand suddenly reached toward me from nowhere.

It belonged to one of my husband's friends.

He was thousands of kilometres away.

He pulled me out of the hole and helped me feel like a woman again.

Human beings may be built for many things.

Loneliness, I believe, is not one of them.

We are social creatures.

That friend — that soul companion — remains part of my life even today.

He appears in my everyday world and shakes me awake when I need it, allowing light back into my life.

I believe every person enters another person's life for a reason.

He came precisely when I needed that missing piece to fit into my soul.

I think every one of us carries small pieces of other people inside.

Our friendship has lasted three years, and the distance between us has never mattered.

I am sure those conversations gave him something too.

We needed one another equally.

The years drew us close.

We know a great deal about each other.

My life became an open book to him.

That was hardly surprising.

I lived the predictable life of an ordinary mother and woman.

His life was the opposite:

fast-moving and unpredictable.

After Las Vegas, he now lives in Miami again.

Independent.

Single.

A man who has never carried responsibility for anyone else.

We stay in contact with smaller and larger breaks.

To use his own words:

“Not talking or writing every day is a form of self-defence for me.”

Whenever he wanted, he appeared and we would speak regularly.

Then he might disappear for weeks.

That pattern repeated again and again.

The man is a serious poker player.

For me, the whole thing became an emotional battle.

The irony is that we once belonged to the same social circle but never actually met.

Life, however, still decided to bring us together.

We are like magnets that attract and repel one another.

For some reason, neither of us can completely let go.

With his handsome stubble, masculine appearance and overwhelming charm, he had me completely.

According to him, I had the same effect for a different reason.

In his words:

“Because you're a normal, beautiful woman who stands on her own feet.”

Who knows?

It is difficult to say exactly when things changed.

But slowly, over time, our roles shifted.

Friendship and emotional companionship became attraction.

Today we look at one another as woman and man.

We began planning to meet.

I had learned to enjoy life again and everything that came with it.

I began caring for myself.

That meant finally creating time that belonged to me.

I started exercising regularly.

Taking care of my body.

And my soul.

Today, when I look in the mirror, I see what I want to see:

The Woman.

Because women can embody many things at once.

Mother.

Wife.

Woman.

Partner.

Today I am decisive and genuinely balanced.

Women are capable of building independent lives even alone.

What I want to say is this:

Almost anything can be achieved if we truly want it.

We have to believe.

Trust ourselves.

Persist toward the goals we set.

And act.

Nothing comes entirely by itself.

Life is like the seasons.

It changes.

There are beautiful periods and difficult ones.

Perhaps life gives us only as much weight as we can eventually carry.

Every experience is a lesson.

And we have to keep learning.

In December 2019, fate brought photographer Norbert Bánhalmi into my life.

Through his images he showed me the real self hidden behind my walls.

I am deeply grateful for that.

During the photo shoot I received a level of attention and kindness women often only dream about.

The photographs reminded me that being a woman is something wonderful.

They gave me confidence.

I proved first to myself — and then to the people around me — that even approaching fifty, a woman can still be attractive and sexy.

Because it cannot rain forever.

And I believe happiness eventually finds us too.

But that long-planned meeting never happened.

Shortly before the journey, he vanished.

I am sad that he did not stand in front of me as a man and honestly tell me what he felt.

He chose the coward's way out.

Years and disappointments did nothing to cure my naivety.

I did not pay enough attention to the signs.

I believed.

Trusted.

Thought this time everything would be different.

The heart and mind fight countless battles.

The mind knows what would be sensible.

The heart continually chooses other paths.

In the deepest part of ourselves — where we allow very few people — our most honest feelings live.

He had been privileged.

I had allowed him very close.

I gave him my trust.

You know that inexplicable feeling deep inside when attachment takes over and overwrites everything.

Life sometimes twists and tangles our plans completely.

That is simply what it does.

Again and again it mixes the pieces of the puzzle.

And our task is to put them back together.

One day, I know, there will be a moment when I understand everything.

Time has already made one thing clear:

He was my friend and soul companion.

Nothing more.

I have accepted that.

He was a gift that accompanied me through one part of my life.

Today I can live with that more easily because the years made me stronger.

That does not mean it does not hurt.

It hurts terribly.

Why did he choose this?

Everybody asks that question after disappointment.

Perhaps he was afraid of being emotionally touched.

Perhaps he was afraid of giving up his free, independent life.

I will probably never know.

He never allowed me to see one hundred percent of what was inside his mind.

The old man above and time itself are powerful teachers.

I still have things to learn.

As long as there is road ahead of me, change remains possible.

I made the final decision.

It was not easy.

But I had no other choice.

They say:

When you release the past, something dies.

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When you allow the present in, something is reborn.

And there is another saying I like:

“He may find someone better than me — but he will never find another me this good.”

I still look toward the future with optimism.

After all, in God's great herd there are plenty of horses.

Authentic portrait photography does more than create a flattering image: it reveals character, presence and personality.

Part of the BANHALMI ecosystem

For the professional context and practical side of portrait photography, visit the BANHALMI professional website. Related art series, books and exhibitions are preserved in the BANHALMI ART archive.