My First Lesbian Experience – A Weekend in Warsaw

Bánhalmi Norbert fotóművész

I'm waking up, and for a moment I don't even know where I am.

It's warm.

Very warm.

The sound of traffic filters in through the window — not loudly, just enough for me to sense that Warsaw is waking up with me.

The city centre is always busy during the day, and Ella's window faces a main road beside Laziczky Park.

But today is Saturday.

Everything moves more slowly.

Ella is still asleep beside me.

She looks so fragile and beautiful.

I want to touch her.

Still, I decide to let her sleep.

It feels good to lie here.

Bánhalmi Norbert fotóművész

To stretch the moment.

I don't want the day to begin yet.

I don't want Ella to wake up.

Not quite yet.

I am afraid our relationship will never be the same.

And yet last night was wonderful.

Both of us let go.

We allowed the world around us to disappear.

I do not regret a single minute.

But perhaps Ella feels guilty.

According to the world, what we did is something we are supposed to feel guilty about.

I do not.

How could something so beautiful — and in its own way so innocent — feel like a sin?

I have always imagined that some invisible silver thread connected our hearts.

That is the only image I have for the bond between us that I could never explain.

I am afraid it will be different now because we crossed a line that is not considered “normal” for women like us — women others see as successful, feminine and highly attractive to men.

Both of us are attracted to men.

And still, it happened.

We did not plan it.

We had never imagined that we would make love.

It simply felt natural and comforting to stroke her skin in that nightclub.

Then came the kiss in the taxi.

The embrace neither of us wanted to release.

And somehow that led to this morning:

Bánhalmi Norbert fotóművész

Me lying here naked, afraid I might lose her.

Another half hour passes before she turns toward me.

She opens her eyes and smiles.

I stroke her gently.

“Good morning,” she whispers, wrapping her arms around me.

Relief floods through me.

I smile and touch her face.

I am happy.

Radiant.

I can feel that she does not regret a single moment either.

I go into the bathroom.

A strange tingling moves through me.

Is this freedom?

I feel excited and light.

As though I have risen above the world — or perhaps above the version of myself I had always believed I was.

I look into the mirror.

My eyes have never seemed so alive.

I have never felt so beautiful.

Some inexplicable strength has been released inside me.

A strength that had been hidden for years.

And it was not simply because I had been intimate with a woman.

It came from allowing myself, finally, to be free.

From letting the glass cage I had built over so many years shatter into pieces.

At last I stepped out of line.

At last I was alive.

I return to the room.

Ella is sitting on the bed.

“What happened to us?” she asks.

“A miracle,” I answer.

After that, everything seems to return to normal.

And yet everything between us is more intense:

trust, love, acceptance, the taste of being alive.

Birds sound louder.

The wind makes kinder music.

The sun seems to warm more gently.

Ella chatters happily while preparing breakfast.

She does not even notice that she too is glowing in a way I have never seen before.

“They're playing Chopin in the park today. Want to go?” she asks while placing a very green and very ugly smoothie in front of me — fortunately one that tastes much better than it looks.

“Of course.”

I love the idea.

Secretly, though, I hope it will be only the two of us and that she will not invite Michal.

There are quite a few people in the park.

Still, we find a place where we can hear the piano clearly and where there is enough room to lie comfortably on the grass.

Michal calls to say he can join us only for dinner.

I can hear in Ella's voice that she is happy we will have a little more time alone.

The grass is slightly cool, so we spread out a blanket.

Much better.

I lie down.

Ella lies beside me and takes my hand.

We breathe together.

The wind blows just enough to transform the July heat into something soft and peaceful.

I can feel everything at once.

The earth holds my body securely.

I almost melt into it.

Grass tickles my bare arm.

The sun warms me.

The wind touches me.

Piano music.

And Ella's hand.

The world really has changed.

Or rather:

The way I experience it has changed.

Until now, I do not think I truly knew what it meant to be alive.

After the concert, we spend the evening with Michal.

He does not have eyes for this kind of radiance.

He seems trapped inside a life he invented for himself and cannot lift his head high enough to notice how much wonder surrounds him.

He does not stay long.

He has things to do.

He always has things to do.

During dinner, Ella raises the idea of moving in together with him.

She loves this man.

A radiant, beautiful miracle beside someone who seems grey inside.

They do not seem to fit.

And still she loves him.

I say nothing because I want Ella to be happy.

For now, this is what happiness means to her.

Tomorrow I return to Budapest.

And I will take my secret with me.

In the morning we still have time for breakfast together.

Ella is quiet now.

No chatter.

She simply prepares the “very green” smoothie.

Then she sits opposite me.

We both know that perhaps we will never be together like this again.

That this weekend may have been a kind of unrepeatable magic.

And yet we will remain connected forever.

We tamed one another, like the Little Prince and the Fox.

The taxi is here.

I have to go.

Ella walks me downstairs.

I kiss her once more.

I do not care that people are watching.

Neither does she.

I get into the taxi, but this time I have no interest in talking to the driver.

I smile quietly.

Content.

Happy.

Bánhalmi Norbert fotóművész

Free.

I finally dare to allow myself to be completely, joyfully myself.

I will never be exactly the same woman again.

Because I have become much more fully a Woman.

I did not become a lesbian.

That is not the point.

---

I became a woman without that old fear.

Was sex alone responsible for all of this?

I do not know.

I only know that few people will understand the sudden change.

And I also know that for many people, this story will remain my secret forever.

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