// Behind the scenes. A photo and the story behind it!

I am 48, yet I feel that the most extraordinary things in my life are still ahead of me. I am not an unhappy person — quite the opposite. I can find joy in even the smallest things. And still, it feels as though something keeps drawing me toward new wonders. But wonders do not simply fall into our laps from one day to the next. I spent thirty years working in healthcare: as a nurse, an assistant, a home-care worker on the side and a hospice nurse.

Every woman faces struggles in life. Some smaller, some larger, depending partly on the package we arrive on Earth with: budget, mid-range or fully loaded. You may have the fully loaded background and excellent packaging, but unfortunately that does not mean inner radiance comes as standard equipment. In fact, I don't think a woman has ever been born on this planet who was one hundred percent satisfied with herself.

I had been a chubby little girl since childhood, Grandma's favourite. The people around me expressed love through food, and I kept gaining weight. Then came teasing and exclusion from others, and I escaped into the happiness sweets gave me. Eventually I reached the point where I wanted a relationship. But until I could love myself, I could not expect someone else to accept me either. Like many people in that situation, I began building walls around myself.

According to my cousin, red lipstick — and red underwear — are compulsory after forty. After she made that statement, I stared at her blankly while my mind raced to find a way to prove her wrong. Surely it could not be that simple. You cannot just paint your lips red and suddenly become a Woman. And yet, somewhere beneath my resistance, another thought was already floating quietly: She might actually be right.

For a long time I had been carrying the thought that I wanted an artistic nude photo series of myself. Why? At the time, I could not really explain it. It was simply a feeling. One evening I was scrolling through Facebook when I saw Norbi's invitation for an artistic nude session. Afterwards, the model could write about her thoughts and the story would appear as an article on his website. I immediately thought: yes, this is what I need. Here is the opportunity.

When she walked out of the studio, I already knew that something impossible to put into words had happened inside her. Perhaps the change came in the second she saw the photograph we had made. She saw herself as beautiful, even though for the previous four years — since she felt cancer had taken away her femininity — she had not dared to look at herself in the mirror. “This is a miracle,” she said softly while wiping tears from her face.

She looked at the photograph and her eyes filled with tears. Moments like that frighten most of us because we are completely unprepared for such emotional reactions. I searched for words, but all I could do was watch silently as she wiped away a tear running down her face. Slowly she raised her head and looked for my eyes. For a moment I looked down, afraid of her reaction.

“I have a dream, and I need a few serious photographs from you to make it happen.” That was Csabi's request when he walked into the studio. We had originally planned to work outdoors, but by then there was too little light to create the kind of images we wanted, so we moved inside. The assignment was a serious challenge: he wanted the photographs for his application to the sports reality show Exatlon.

Five years ago… One afternoon, while passing a few boring minutes on Facebook, a post caught my eye. The photograph was the first thing I noticed. It showed a woman's body from the waist down, lying on her stomach, hips raised, knees bent, with the strap of her underwear hooked over the heel of her shoe. It was simply sexy. A photographer was looking for a model to recreate the image. I applied. At the time, I had no idea how completely this world would pull me in.

Let me state this clearly: there is no such thing as a bad model. There is only a photographer who fails to see that person's beauty. After all, it is always the photographer who decides which part of what they see will be shown. But how does photography actually work? I will try to explain it through a mental image. It requires a little imagination, but I think it will work. ;)