Discovering the Woman Within Myself

• Feature article •

For a long time I had been carrying the thought that I wanted an artistic nude photo series of myself.

Why?

At the time, I could not really explain it.

It was simply a feeling.

One evening I was scrolling through Facebook when I saw Norbi's invitation for an artistic nude session.

Afterwards, the model could write about her thoughts and the story would appear as an article on his website.

I immediately thought:

Yes.

This is what I need.

Here is the opportunity.

I quickly showed it to my partner.

His only response was:

“I think it's too early. Do it when you're satisfied with your body.”

Needless to say, that was not the answer I had expected.

I felt disappointed and angry at the same time.

The truth is, I am very lucky.

My partner likes the way I look and tells me so often.

But somehow I did not believe him.

How could I possibly be sexy in his eyes when lately I had let myself go a little?

I was not exercising as much.

I was not really paying attention to what I ate.

Then I understood why I wanted the photographs.

I wanted to see myself from the outside.

Naked.

I wanted to see that limitless Woman who I knew was hidden somewhere inside me.

I applied.

If nothing else, I thought, it would still be useful.

If the sight turned out to be truly alarming, perhaps it would motivate me to take better care of myself.

I began training regularly.

I paid attention to my food.

And all the while, I waited for the shoot with growing excitement.

Then the morning came.

I looked in the mirror and felt shattered by how terrible I thought I looked.

I hesitated.

Should I go?

Should I stay?

Did I even want this?

A few moments later, something overrode those thoughts.

I packed my things and set off into the unknown.

Excitement and fear lived inside me at the same time.

I had no idea what was waiting.

On the way, hundreds of thoughts raced through my mind.

Eventually I realised:

It was not Norbi I did not trust.

It was myself.

Until then, I had been certain I would undress and stand naked in front of the camera.

By the time I arrived, I had rejected that idea completely.

Some part of me had expected this.

When Norbi and I arranged the session on the phone, he explained that models often move away from their original plan.

In reality, it does not matter what someone wears — or does not wear — in front of the camera.

Everyone is searching for a feeling.

Something they want the image to communicate and something they want the viewer to experience.

What matters is that our thoughts and emotions in that moment will appear in the photograph.

Still, how could I stand in front of a camera like this?

I was sure I would hate what I saw.

My head was full of ridiculous thoughts.

Then I arrived.

Norbi welcomed me warmly and we sat down to talk.

Somehow he sensed what was going on inside me even though I had worked hard not to show it on my face.

He asked how I was.

I could barely answer.

Nervous.

Excited.

Terrified — although I could not explain what I was afraid of.

That is probably the closest description.

During the conversation, I gradually relaxed.

It was a strange and special feeling.

It did not feel as though I were talking to a stranger.

Or even to a man.

It felt like talking with an equal.

There was no male or female energy.

Just two souls talking.

The most surprising part was what happened after only a little more than half an hour.

He understood why I was actually doing this.

It mattered to him to understand why I wanted to undress in front of a complete stranger.

What was the feeling I wanted him to translate into an artistic image and give back to me?

It felt almost like sitting with a psychiatrist.

Suddenly the real reason appeared.

The reason I had not been able to explain at the beginning.

I wanted my relationship to move to another level.

My partner and I had been together for more than four years.

We had gone through several difficult periods.

With a great deal of shared work, we had moved through them.

And the previous year had been wonderful.

I could honestly say all the effort had been worth it.

Now I was ready for another level.

Ready to bring forward the Woman I might not even know yet.

I only knew she was somewhere inside me.

And I wanted to see her.

Feel her.

Let her be seen.

When Norbi said that aloud, it completely changed my state of mind.

I decided:

These photographs had to become honestly, genuinely sexy.

I soon discovered that deciding something and actually doing it are very different things.

To begin, I put on a bodysuit I love and a pair of high heels.

In that outfit I felt completely feminine.

I had worn it countless times in front of the mirror.

It may be the one outfit I can put on at almost any time and instantly recover some confidence.

At first, I just stood there awkwardly.

What pose?

What should I do?

Norbi watched and gave me time to find myself.

He knew this was completely new territory for me.

Then suddenly he said:

“Don't move. That's beautiful.”

I had no idea what I was doing.

But I listened.

He said he wanted to show me one picture.

“If you don't like it, we can go home.”

That may have been the peak of my fear.

I wanted to see the image.

And I did not.

I felt safe and comfortable.

A part of me did not want to break that state by seeing something I disliked.

But before I could finish that thought, the image was already in front of me.

A confident Woman.

Completely feminine.

Powerful.

I had no idea how he had done it.

It felt unbelievable that the person in the photograph was me.

I loved it.

And in that exact moment I felt something inside me begin to change.

I started to believe.

I began to love the Woman I saw.

She still felt unfamiliar.

But somehow I knew we belonged to one another.

And I wanted to meet her properly.

I no longer wanted to stay in the bodysuit.

I could feel that the freedom I had been searching for was deeper than that.

Then came the other lingerie pieces.

And increasingly sensual movements began to emerge almost by themselves.

Norbi helped continuously with small adjustments, but most of the poses developed instinctively.

I tried to relax and stopped thinking about the camera.

After a while, I barely noticed Norbi either.

We were simply a team.

It became a beautiful shared creative process that was entirely about me.

It took courage and time to let go completely.

But eventually I found the rhythm.

I relaxed.

I focused only on myself and on what felt right for me.

I no longer needed poses.

Only natural movements.

When I had moved deeply enough into that flow, I heard the sentence:

“You can undress whenever it feels right.”

Norbi knew I wanted to cross that line.

By then, we had already created beautiful and sexy images.

From his point of view, the goal I had come for was largely achieved.

He said that several times.

But I was waiting for something else.

Almost as though I needed him to say:

I give you permission to open that door.

The door behind which stands the Woman I want to meet.

That is emotionally difficult for both people.

Because I was placing a responsibility on him:

He could not get this wrong.

That photograph — the one made when I finally opened completely — had to be more than anything I could currently imagine.

Only later did I understand how much emotional weight that places on the other person.

He never showed it.

He simply continued to meet me with kindness and complete acceptance.

Needless to say, by then I genuinely felt ready to remove the last piece of lingerie.

So that moment did not take long.

A feeling completely absorbed me.

I cannot properly reconstruct what happened.

It was not an emotional roller coaster.

More like a train going only upward.

And I just kept travelling.

Eventually Norbi gently interrupted the flow with a question:

“What would you say if we looked at the images so far?”

I happily agreed.

I did not feel pulled out of that new limitless comfort zone at all.

And then came the moment of recognition.

The Woman looking back from those photographs was someone I had never even imagined in my dreams.

I knew it could not end there.

We had to continue.

There was still one small feeling missing.

One final extra layer I wanted to see.

Norbi felt that the previous frame would have been the right ending for the series.

But he also understood that he needed to respect my request.

We were short on time.

Still, we made a few more photographs.

That was when the strangest feeling arrived.

My legs were literally trembling.

I felt slightly dizzy.

And at the same time, I felt wonderful.

Even now, remembering it gives me chills.

One sentence kept repeating in my mind:

I am free.

I had let go of something.

I still do not know exactly what.

Perhaps old memories.

Perhaps painful feelings.

But by the end of the session, I felt lighter and liberated.

All I could do was smile.

Really smile.

Without restraint.

All day.

---

And ever since.

I realised something else too:

The exact shape of my body no longer mattered.

What mattered was the energy coming from the photographs — from me.

I love looking at them now.

I no longer search for where my skin is imperfect, where my arm looks thicker or my stomach larger.

I see the spontaneous smile.

The femininity.

The sexuality.

And I recognise that they really are me.

I became a real Woman.

Art photography – details.

Part of the BANHALMI ecosystem

For the professional context and practical side of portrait photography, visit the BANHALMI professional website. Related art series, books and exhibitions are preserved in the BANHALMI ART archive.