// Behind the scenes. A photo and the story behind it!

Have you ever felt as though you could not find yourself? As though you looked into a mirror and no longer knew who was looking back? We often ask questions and search for answers. Recently I asked myself one very important question: “Who am I?” Two years ago, because of an autoimmune disease, my spleen was removed. Ever since then I have struggled to find myself again, as though something inside me had broken.

It was September 2017, and my period was already five days late. I was almost certain I was pregnant, but I was afraid to take the test because I was frightened of the result. Then a friend reassured me that, based on what I had told her, the chances were small. I had not been with anyone around the middle of my cycle, only during the first week — although that had been without contraception. What were the chances of becoming pregnant then? Pretty small. And I already had

So many things change in our lives that perhaps even an entire book would not be enough to collect them all. After a long period of reflection, I decided not to limit myself to a single story. Instead, I want to share several moments that shaped me as a woman. There are the basic changes, for example when your breasts seem to grow almost overnight. It may sound funny or too ordinary, but a woman can feel insecure not only when her breasts seem too small.

When it comes to experiencing femininity, I would describe myself as a late bloomer. In some areas of life, I thought quite maturely, but truly experiencing that I was a Woman came much later. For a long time I searched for myself and for my style. Once my mother no longer decided what I wore, I moved through different fashion phases like many young people do: first skater, then rocker. For years I dressed in a fairly boyish way and wore oversized T-shirts.

Even as a little girl, I dreamed of having a family of my own. I did not want to become a veterinarian or a ballerina. I wanted to become an ADULT, in capital letters. I longed for the warmth and safety of a home. Perhaps because my parents’ relationship was not exactly harmonious. My mother married young and, at twenty, after a full day of labour, successfully gave birth to me. I still feel that struggle echoed in my life.

If someone asked me when I truly changed overnight, I would name two days that brought enormous shifts into my life. For a woman, I think there is hardly anything more important than the birth of her children — and I experienced that four times. Holding them in my arms was extraordinary, and I am sure they changed me deeply too. But the greatest transformations in my life did not begin with their births. One of them came when, after many years, I saw a childhood friend again

“Kati grew into a beautiful young woman. Her girlish appearance made many hearts beat faster. Even so, she often felt alone. At those times, there was nothing she wanted more than a kind word and a warm embrace — and while there were always plenty of volunteers for the warm embrace, sincere kindness was much harder to find. She increasingly felt that in this strange world, the needs of the soul mattered less and less, while satisfying physical desire seemed to triumph over e

Panna is not my real name, but the person she represents belongs to me. She is a part of me — a part with whom I became whole. But let’s start at the very beginning, because perhaps that is the best way to understand who I am. My mother loved me with all her heart throughout her life. As she used to say, she loved me long before I was even conceived. She longed for me and wanted me to be hers.

• Feature article • My first encounter with Norbi happened during a period of my life that remains deeply significant to me. At the time, life was giving me more and more signs that I was beside the wrong person. There was still a long road between that moment and where I am today, but it feels good to look back because every time I do, I remind myself that I am stronger than I think.

The emphasis is on the first word. Hopefully the other two describe only a passing condition — even if it has already lasted for years. I want to believe again that the first breeze of spring will finally blow those two words out of my life. There are still countless questions inside me. I have turned each one over six hundred times and still think about them differently depending on where I happen to be on the emotional roller coaster that comes with this situation.