Without a Filter – The Story of My Body | Judit

When it comes to experiencing femininity, I would describe myself as a late bloomer.

In some areas of life, I thought quite maturely, but truly experiencing that I was a Woman came much later.

For a long time I searched for myself and for my style.

Once my mother no longer decided what I wore, I moved through different fashion phases like many young people do:

first skater, then rocker.

For years I dressed in a fairly boyish way and wore oversized T-shirts.

One reason was that, ever since adolescence, I had been deeply self-conscious about having small breasts.

For many years I hoped they might still grow.

They did not.

That insecurity affected my self-confidence strongly.

It may sound silly, but it limited me in many situations.

I was not particularly popular with boys either.

Then, as usually happens, great love arrived.

I was still very naive.

I was certain we would stay together forever.

After several years, however, the relationship ended.

Looking back with greater maturity, I can see that I did not really develop in that relationship.

Not as a person.

Not as a woman.

If anything, I was looked down on and underestimated.

At the time, I did not understand that.

I was attractive and more educated than the boy.

Perhaps putting me down was his way of compensating for that.

Naturally, after the breakup, the “end of the world” arrived for me too.

My femininity was lying on the floor.

At the same time, it became a wonderful opportunity to unfold into myself.

I had already been belly dancing for years and had performed several times.

Yet even dance had not produced the great breakthrough I was waiting for.

The feeling:

I am a woman.

And it is good to be a woman.

I no longer remember exactly what triggered the change or how old I was.

Perhaps twenty-nine.

But one day, seeing myself in the mirror suddenly felt different.

I felt different as a woman.

My presence changed too.

I began receiving more compliments from both men and women.

I became more popular with men.

In fact, for a while, I had the feeling I could probably have almost anyone I wanted.

Men began approaching me whom I would never have imagined finding me attractive.

Some were even prepared to betray their partners or families.

That part was disappointing.

Still, it felt good to discover that kind of “power”.

And because I would never have wanted to compromise the beauty and clarity of my inner world, I handled those situations in what I believed was the right way.

Dance changed too.

Or rather:

My feelings while dancing changed.

I became able to experience the Woman inside me and express my emotions through movement.

Many times, alone in my room, I lit candles, turned up the music and allowed the Woman to emerge.

I let her reveal her feelings.

Then I lived them through dance.

With the help of a dear acquaintance, I also regularly practised what we called aura and soul cleansing.

I felt that my energy became different from that of most people.

Cleaner.

More positive.

Only one thing seemed to be missing:

A man.

But I had reached the point where I preferred being alone to being trapped inside another bad relationship.

Unfortunately, I had seen enough examples of those.

I searched for The Man.

Across different age groups.

Different personalities.

Somehow, I never really found him.

I liked men.

I liked masculine energy.

Life had always brought more male friends and acquaintances around me than female ones.

Then I reached a period when the waves began crashing over my head.

A very dear friend died.

I started partying more.

Drinking more.

Dating more men.

I began feeling that control was slipping from my hands.

That was when I decided to spend New Year’s Eve in a Buddhist centre.

I wanted to close the year in the right way and begin the next one with more awareness.

It is impossible to put into words what I experienced there.

Or the feelings I carried home.

I felt like myself again.

In fact, perhaps a slightly better version of myself.

And then finally He arrived.

The Man I had always wanted stepped into my life.

Beside him, my femininity could unfold fully.

Beside him, I was the Woman.

Then another miracle arrived — one that almost every woman dreams about:

A new life began growing inside me.

I had seen the changes pregnancy brought in other women.

Now I was experiencing them myself.

The body changes.

Feelings change.

Presence changes.

Hormones run wild.

And yes:

I finally experienced what it felt like to walk down the stairs and feel my breasts move.

It sounds ridiculous, I know.

But I had never felt that before.

I needed larger bras too.

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I know femininity comes from within.

Still, that small physical change genuinely made me feel more feminine.

Of course, the knowledge that a new life was developing inside me also contributed enormously.

Sadly, however, we did not — or perhaps have not yet — experienced the miracle of birth and becoming a family.

One day my husband told me he admired me because, even during such a difficult period, I was still able to shine.

After all, beside every strong man stands a strong woman.

Hand in hand.

Judit

More “Story of My Body” posts can be read here.

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