// Behind the scenes. A photo and the story behind it!

I was never an average child or an average woman. My creativity, my ear for languages, my sensitive nose — which cannot tolerate even the faintest trace of an unpleasant smell — and of course my determination have brought me to where I am now. And I do not mean financially. I am 51. I do not own a flat or a house. I do not have children.

Sunday morning, the day after. I am leaning over the sink, scraping yesterday’s smeared party makeup from my face. I was tired inside and out when I came home, so I did not bother washing it off. I simply curled up between the cold pillows. The bed was cold too, although I knew it could have caught fire within a minute if I had come home with Him instead of alone. But I did not. And however miserable and lonely I feel right now, I am happy. I look proudly into the mirror,

They say that when a new soul arrives, another soul leaves. In 2014, I met a man and we fell in love almost immediately. We soon moved in together. After a year and a half, we married. Those were extraordinarily happy years. I can honestly say that I had never before experienced such long-lasting happiness across almost every area of my life. Of course, sometimes when one part of life works beautifully, something else begins to fall apart. In my case, that was my family.

There are many stories in my life that shaped me and helped make me who I am today. Not all of them are positive, but each one taught me something. The story I am about to tell stands out because it influenced many of my later decisions. My parents always kept me inside what I would call a “bubble of love”. Our family functioned beautifully. For a long time, I was quiet, gentle and desperate to please everyone. Eventually I learned to let go of that compulsion.

Twenty-five years ago, I ended my first marriage. Fortunately, I remained on good terms with the father of my children. The apartment stayed mine. I exchanged it for another property, which then stood empty. Later I met the love of my life. We married and moved into a beautiful large family house. Everything was fine. And yet, after several years, my mood began to deteriorate. Physical symptoms appeared too. I could not understand why.

It was 10 March, an ordinary afternoon. Looking through the window, I could see light rain falling when a new message appeared in my chat. It was from a footballer I had always found attractive. I loved football. I had played it myself as a girl and had made many male friends through the sport. We talked for hours. Then we met. It quickly became clear that we were very different.

I never thought this story would ever be written down, but I need to get it out of me. Perhaps it will help someone, or at least make a few people stop and think. How did I not get breast cancer? It all began a few months ago when I changed jobs. As usual, I had to complete the standard occupational-health checks: a chest screening and an appointment with the company doctor on a Thursday.

The world of women could fairly be called one of the most mysterious forms of chaos in the universe — at least from a man’s point of view. It is true that women can pay attention to several things at once and distinguish shades between black and white, yet even we do not always fully understand the processes of our own minds. Deep inside us live countless suppressed emotions and unspoken thoughts that make us even more mysterious.

Have you ever felt as though you could not find yourself? As though you looked into a mirror and no longer knew who was looking back? We often ask questions and search for answers. Recently I asked myself one very important question: “Who am I?” Two years ago, because of an autoimmune disease, my spleen was removed. Ever since then I have struggled to find myself again, as though something inside me had broken.

It was September 2017, and my period was already five days late. I was almost certain I was pregnant, but I was afraid to take the test because I was frightened of the result. Then a friend reassured me that, based on what I had told her, the chances were small. I had not been with anyone around the middle of my cycle, only during the first week — although that had been without contraception. What were the chances of becoming pregnant then? Pretty small. And I already had

So many things change in our lives that perhaps even an entire book would not be enough to collect them all. After a long period of reflection, I decided not to limit myself to a single story. Instead, I want to share several moments that shaped me as a woman. There are the basic changes, for example when your breasts seem to grow almost overnight. It may sound funny or too ordinary, but a woman can feel insecure not only when her breasts seem too small.