Without a Filter – The Story of My Body | Balázs

Perhaps I should start by saying that I am an ordinary 44-year-old gay man, 160 cm tall, who loves his work and tries to remain a good person in this fast-moving world.

Many years ago I was a grey, almost invisible speck in the machinery of everyday life. Overweight at 83 kg, short, balding, lacking confidence and carrying a strong sense of inferiority.

Life kept throwing these things back at me, especially in dating, usually with one extra label: "you're ugly".

Because appearance plays such a dominant role in the gay dating world, I eventually decided to protect myself from constant rejection by giving up and choosing to be alone.

And that is what happened.

Work became my life. Perhaps that is also one reason I became so good at it.

The years passed.

After a cruise, my younger sister came to visit us and invited us to dinner. A few photographs were taken.

The next day, when I saw them on Facebook, I was genuinely horrified by how I looked.

That was when I decided I had to change.

I was thirty-seven.

I loved eating, so I adopted one basic principle: movement above everything.

I started running.

I still remember my first attempt. After half a kilometre, I was finished.

But I progressed gradually. After several months, I was running 15–20 kilometres and the weight kept falling.

After about a year, I finally found the courage to hire a personal trainer and start going to a gym.

I remember my first visit. I was terrified. Almost the entire time I looked either at the ceiling or at the floor.

Going back for a second session was difficult, but I did it.

Time passed, progress came, and I gradually dropped to 61 kg.

Then fate threw in a new challenge: diabetes.

It entered my life brutally. I almost lost my sight.

It took time to process the initial shock.

I, someone who loved food, now faced a lifelong diet and a completely different way of living.

I can say that I adapted.

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I still train, run and move. I try to follow the diet — although sometimes it is difficult.

And I changed two more things:

Completely shaved head.

Beard.

I admit it feels good when many people tell me that I look good, especially in the gay community, and that the change suits me.

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But what is also true is that the person inside has not changed.

I am still the same slightly chaotic little idiot who is trying to remain a good person and help others.

I am proud of what I achieved, and proud that I have been able to maintain it.

But I am even prouder that I have inspired several acquaintances and complete strangers to make changes in their own lives — and shown that diabetes is a condition you can live with.

Art photography is a sensitive creative process in which the body, personality and authentic self all have space to emerge.

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For the professional context and practical side of portrait photography, visit the BANHALMI professional website. Related art series, books and exhibitions are preserved in the BANHALMI ART archive.