The Journey That Finally Taught Me to Love Myself

• Feature article •

“Next order?” I ask as one of my best friends rushes through the door while I am making a latte.

“Hi, Robin!” I smile and walk over to him. He has come for a good coffee and asks whether I would come with him to a photo shoot. He has been preparing for it for a long time, but he is extremely nervous, and it would mean a lot if I were there with him. Of course I say yes. A true friend helps where help is needed. :)

The long-awaited day arrives: 24 September 2020. Robin is excited and cannot wait to finally show himself — to show how much he has changed and how far he has come.

We ring the bell, and as we walk up the stairs, more and more feelings start swirling inside me. What is a professional photo shoot like, really? I hope I will be able to give Robin enough support.

At the door we are greeted by a very kind gentleman. This is Norbi, the photographer Robin has already told me about. He is extremely polite — and immediately surprises me by saying that since I have accompanied my friend, he would also be happy to take a few good photographs of me if I would like.

The surprise must have shown on my face because he instantly begins explaining that, in his view, a project like this is truly win-win only if the person accompanying the model gets something from it too. After all, the companion is also giving their time and energy to support the model.

Even now, it is difficult to identify all the emotions that came over me.

Of course I was delighted by the unexpected, fantastic opportunity: a professional photographer was offering to make a few GOOD PICTURES of me. There had not been many photographs in my life that I genuinely liked.

At the same time, countless negative thoughts rushed through my head.

The familiar feeling cut straight through me:

I don't feel beautiful.

I'm fat. I'm not feminine enough. I'm not dressed for this.

I kept listing reasons to refuse until the only sentence the others actually heard was:

“I'D RATHER NOT RIGHT NOW!”

But Robin really wanted me to have a photograph too. He kept encouraging me until I finally gave in.

So, full of doubts, insecurity and fear, I agreed.

Then Robin's shoot ended.

My turn.

We passed each other in the changing area. Seeing how happy and liberated Robin was did something to me in a fraction of a second. He had arrived with fears very similar to mine. That was exactly why he had invited me — because he hoped I could help him relax.

Looking back, though, I have to admit I was not really the one who helped him.

From the very first moment, Norbi had begun dissolving our inhibitions with kindness, explanations and the way he approached us.

Because of that, I started to trust him.

I still did not trust myself.

What if I don't like the photograph? What if even a photographer this skilled cannot show anything beautiful in me?

I kept telling myself: relax, it's only a picture.

But no.

It isn't only a picture.

This photograph is being made by a photographic artist who seems to see through people's walls, who senses reality and brings it into his images. I had watched him do exactly that for almost an hour.

I stood in front of Norbi, still tense and excited.

The argument inside me lasted only seconds.

Then I made a decision.

I would face my fear.

I followed his instructions, closed my eyes, and the flash fired.

The first photograph existed.

When Norbi showed it to me, I was stunned.

Is that really me?

Almost with tears in my eyes, I laughed and managed to say only one thing:

“How is it possible that such a good picture of me exists?”

Happiness washed over me.

Then panic returned.

What will other people say? Is the picture really good enough? Should I show more of myself? Do other people think I look beautiful in it too?

One single photograph triggered all of this.

I had had a difficult year, full of changes.

And almost immediately I understood that I needed to become stronger. I needed to accept myself and love the person I was, exactly as I was — and stop looking at a good photograph only to ask whether other people would approve of it.

Looking back, I think that may have been the first moment when I truly realised how important it was to value the things I already had, and to trust that one day somebody else would see and appreciate them too.

Months passed.

More and more changes reached me, inside and out. There was sadness and suffering too, but perhaps because of that my friendship with Robin became even stronger.

One day, while we were walking along the Danube, he told me how good it was that I was there and that we could depend on each other.

Then he said he wanted us to have a photograph together made by Norbi — something bold, almost like a magazine image, showing our friendship.

I was thrilled.

I could hardly wait to go back, although negative thoughts began creeping in again.

What if I look fat? What if I don't look good enough? How am I going to silence that feeling inside me?

12 May 2021.

Despite all the trials and emotional rollercoasters of the previous months, I was beginning to feel excited again and to believe: yes, this will be good.

Robin and I would have our bold photograph together, and I wanted to believe that through Norbi's eyes I would once again be able to see myself as beautiful.

After all, the previous picture had been only one quick captured moment — yet it turned out perfect.

My friends and acquaintances had given me a great deal of positive feedback too.

And still, I was not completely satisfied with myself.

Since then I had spent a lot of time wondering why, and where this constant inner insecurity came from.

Unlike the first time, this shoot took place outside in the street.

Norbi immediately remarked that I was photographing myself in “a sack-like dress, completely hidden from the world”.

I laughed.

But he was right.

That was exactly why I had chosen it.

I wanted to hide myself.

Hide my body so that no external negative judgement could reach me.

During the friendship shoot, we laughed a lot.

I felt proud of Robin. What he had achieved in his external transformation was truly impressive.

I genuinely love that photograph.

Both of us had gone through enormous changes, and we were stronger than ever before.

It felt so good to see that reflected in the pictures too.

Believe it or not, after those initial fears I ended up having a third shoot with Norbi — this time I went alone.

A lot was changing around me again and my emotions were mixed. While getting ready, I once again felt that urge to “hide”, so I reached for the same dress.

But now something was different.

I felt better in it.

Maybe I didn't need to hide myself quite so much anymore?

Compared with my old self, I arrived with turbocharged confidence, even if a small part of me was still hiding.

And with the very first click, Norbi made me feel something I had never truly felt before:

Yes, I am beautiful.

I am a Woman.

I am special.

Whatever I am wearing, I am beautiful.

There is something warm, delicate and unique shining out of me.

During that shoot I experienced real confidence in myself for the first time.

The photographs were about me and for me.

It felt so good I cannot properly describe it.

I had arrived home.

I was no longer afraid.

I reached a point where I could truly be proud of myself.

Only a few images were made, but to this day I think they are perfect.

A few days later, I started the week with renewed strength. For the first time in a long time I felt whole.

Then, on 17 May 2021 at around 10 p.m., I was sitting on a bus as usual, listening to music and scrolling through Instagram.

Suddenly I saw one of Norbi's posts.

He was planning a rather unconventional photo exhibition.

I loved the demo image and the concept so much that I wrote to him: if he would have me, I would very happily be one of the models.

His photographs had already given me so much that I simply felt I wanted to become part of something in which HE was the CREATOR.

He received my offer very kindly, and in the end I was given the opportunity together with several others.

I was overjoyed.

And it turned out even better than I had expected.

I loved every moment of the shoot.

Something new began in my life.

The most visible change was that I no longer cared what other people thought.

I could feel that I was able to love myself.

It was a strange, new and incredibly liberating feeling.

This was my third shoot with Norbi, the first one I attended alone.

My emotions were mixed and, at the very beginning, I hid a little again.

Then that still-new but increasingly familiar positive feeling returned:

No, I don't need to hide this much anymore.

In fact, I decided that I wanted sexy pictures. Not extremely sexy, but definitely something special for me.

So I began with boosted confidence.

And through the very first click, Norbi gave me that now-familiar feeling:

Yes, I am beautiful.

I am a Woman and I am special.

This is me, whatever I am wearing.

I am beautiful and something positive shines from me.

Although the photographs were created for an exhibition concept, they still felt as though they were about me and for me.

It was so good I cannot describe it.

I felt:

“I've come home.”

On the way home, I kept thinking how happy I was to have been part of this.

I had met someone through whom I had found my way back to myself.

If it is possible to become addicted to something, it is remarkably easy to become addicted to “Norbi shoots”.

At least I almost did.

Soon I felt ready for another one.

Only one month had passed since the previous session.

It was 15 June 2021.

I arrived at Norbi's with a grin from ear to ear.

Robin came too because he was curious to see the new version of me.

That renewal was exactly what I wanted to see reflected in one or two images and to show through them how much change and happiness those three earlier sessions had brought into my life.

Once again we started in the street, then continued in the studio.

I did not care in the slightest whether people were looking at me.

I was simply flying.

In that moment I felt like one of the happiest women in the world.

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So what is my conclusion after the fourth session?

“We are not perfect, but that doesn't mean we cannot be wonderful.”

And yes, there is one photograph where I hid again.

But I love that one too. :)

Professional portrait photography works best when the real person remains recognisable behind the image.

Part of the BANHALMI ecosystem

For the professional context and practical side of portrait photography, visit the BANHALMI professional website. Related art series, books and exhibitions are preserved in the BANHALMI ART archive.