My First and Last Nude Photo Shoot – Taking My Clothes Off Wasn't the Hard Part
- Schnierer Kati - SHE.hu
- 4 days ago
- 5 min read
Updated: 11 hours ago
Raise your hand if you've never dreamed of having beautiful nude photographs taken of yourself. Would you actually dare to do it? Of course not. I, however, jumped straight in.
There can be a million excuses:
• I don't know a photographer I would trust with this. • It must be expensive. • I would never dare to undress. • People will think I'm a slut…
But perhaps the main reason is always the same: I don't think I'm beautiful enough, and I'm afraid of the result.
And yet I am a healthy young woman.
It took far greater courage for the fifteen women who, as breast-cancer survivors, took part in the therapeutic project imagined by photographer Norbert Bánhalmi. Through an artistic nude series, he wanted to show that a woman is still a woman after a mastectomy.
AND WHAT A WOMAN!
Norbi wanted me to experience something of what they had felt.
As fascinating as their story was, however, I went there for myself.
I wanted to see myself as a desirable woman too.
I had already met Norbi once before because of an article, so he was not a stranger to me.
“A photo shoot is always preceded by preparation. In 100% of cases, women agree to do it when they are ready, and that is why the final result makes them genuinely happy — not only for a short time,” Norbert explained.
I, on the other hand, dived into this physical and emotional experience without preparation.
Taking my clothes off wasn't the hard part
While I undressed, Norbi left me alone in the room. He said it was important for me to have that time to myself. I only had to call him when I was ready.
For me, that part happened quickly.
I folded my clothes neatly and hid my underwear beneath my T-shirt, together with the sanitary pad inside it.
I hid it as though it were something shameful.
Yes, I had deliberately arrived on the heaviest day of my period to make the challenge even greater.
When I reached the door, I realised that during the mechanical process of undressing I had not looked at myself even once.
I was trying to trick myself:
“This is no different from wearing clothes. There is nothing special about it.”
It was like dancing.
I feel free, attractive and sexy — right up until the moment I look in the mirror.
Then everything collapses because I don't like what I see.
Perhaps that was why I had deliberately avoided my reflection now too.
I called the photographer in.
The first photograph was created very quickly.
We sat down to look at it.
I was naked, he was dressed, and I simply stared at my own body for a long time.
That was when I realised:
The truly difficult part of this genre is confronting yourself.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT I SAW?
Even without retouching, I saw a beautiful woman.
But I still did not like her.
Objectively, I could see that she was attractive, yet I could not love her.
Instead, I began searching for faults in myself just as I normally do — only this time I criticised my appearance rather than my actions.
My ribs had always seemed too prominent, making my small breasts look even smaller.
My stomach also felt too noticeable beside them.
I only had to say the words.
A few clicks later Norbi had removed all the “problems”.
Flat stomach. Larger breasts. A lower-looking ribcage.
Plastic surgery in one minute.
I looked at the altered image and felt worse and worse.
This was cheating.
I hate cheating.
I do not want to lie with my body.
I do not want to deceive other people or myself.
I want the real thing.
I want to learn to love reality.
We reversed the “operation”, and tears began to fall.
Norbi had promised instant happiness through photography, yet I was sitting there curled up, staring directly at myself.
Very slowly, the storm clouds began to quiet.
And I started to see myself as more beautiful.
I had to admit the obvious:
My legs were beautiful.
My thighs.
My bottom.
My breasts were small, yes, but beautifully shaped.
Even my stomach was kind of cute.
(Well, fine — perhaps not if I sit too straight. Then it's ugly again…)
And still I cried.
I could not process the sudden rush of happiness.
I was trying with all my strength to suppress the joy that was breaking through.
After all, surely I am not allowed to be satisfied with myself.
That would be too easy.
Self-punishment — that's what women like me are supposed to do.
I wanted a perfect photograph, but I still did not see the woman I wanted to become.
I wanted a sexually confident, irresistible woman to look back at me.
Instead, I saw a fragile, conflicted girl whom I still could not forgive for not developing fast enough.
I was still as impatient with myself as ever.
Norbi gave me plenty of time to look at the photographs and gradually make friends with them — and with myself.
It felt almost like therapy.
Three beautiful photographs were completed.
They were retouched, the lighting was good and the woman in them looked beautiful.
And yet there was still a lot of work to do:
I had to make friends with her.
That day I took one step toward doing so.
I hope that in one or two years, when I look back at these images, I will like them much more.
Not because by then my bottom will definitely be bigger.
But because I hope I will be able to appreciate all the growth that happened in my femininity and also love the person I was while the work was still in progress.
I want to value the partial result too.
And if I decide one day to do another nude shoot, I definitely will not arrive this suddenly.
Next time I will prepare my soul more carefully.
Schnierer Kati – SHE.hu
The photographs from the exhibition Awakening – The New Beginning can be viewed here, as well as on the walls of the oncology centre at Csolnoky Ferenc Hospital in Veszprém.
Artistic nude and glamour photography gallery
(The photographs used in this article were created by photographic artist Norbert Bánhalmi, but they were not taken during the shoot I describe here. I selected them as illustrations.)
Záridő magazine's interview about the project
Art photography – details.
Part of the BANHALMI ecosystem
For the professional context and practical side of portrait photography, visit the BANHALMI professional website. Related art series, books and exhibitions are preserved in the BANHALMI ART archive.