Getting to the Point Where I Could Say: It’s Over

It was Thursday, 18 April.

To this day I do not know where the strength came from.

But I stood up and began a new life.

Alone.

With myself.

I have not looked back since.

I am happy.

Thousands of thoughts had been lining up inside my head for days.

In truth, they had been there for months and years.

But only that spring did they become strong enough to turn into action.

I thought constantly.

I tried to look at us through the eyes of outsiders while also remembering that I was still living inside the relationship.

It was not love anymore.

I could see he was not happy.

I was not happy either.

We had moved far apart.

Neither of us gave the other enough attention.

I sat down.

Quietly.

Alone.

I brought all of my thoughts forward.

I made a balance sheet.

And a vision of the future.

Inside my mind, I replayed the entire twelve years we had spent together.

Everything.

Joy.

Happiness.

Arguments.

Reconciliation.

Pain.

First, I imagined what would happen if we stayed together.

Every week or month, we would promise each other that we would change.

We would strain and force ourselves until we gradually disappeared.

And naturally, nothing would really change.

Because perhaps the goal is not to change another person.

Perhaps the goal is to accept them.

I could not accept him.

He could not accept me either.

Not my work.

Not my family.

That was not the life I wanted.

Then I imagined a life without him.

I was alone.

But free.

Living according to my own decisions.

Nobody limited me.

I did not have to satisfy anyone except myself.

That was when I understood:

The only way either of us could become happy again was to let the other go.

On that Thursday, a different woman looked back at me.

A strong one.

A woman who had reconsidered her entire life after the argument the day before and who finally dared to change it.

I could say that this was when I truly became conscious of myself.

I would be lying if I said I had not loved my former husband.

I did.

And I was used to him.

But habit is not enough reason to spend an entire life together.

That morning, when I went to work, I packed a travel bag with clothes for two days and took the most important things with me.

I told my husband I would sleep at home — meaning my own family home.

The next day was Friday.

I gathered my strength.

After work, I went back.

We sat down at the table.

I told him I wanted a divorce.

He was surprised.

But he did not fight me.

He accepted my decision.

He listened to the reasons that had finally brought me there.

Eight months have passed since then.

I do not regret the decision.

We have to be strong.

Stand up for ourselves.

And step onto our own road.

Only then can we live fully.

My childhood had been ordinary and happy.

I was a tall, slim brown-haired girl with brown eyes and very little confidence.

Then adolescence.

Adulthood.

Relationships came and went.

None of them really built me.

I never considered myself beautiful.

More often, I saw myself as ugly.

And I rarely received feedback telling me otherwise.

My first serious boyfriend proposed.

I married him.

For twelve years, I adapted to a man who did not see the Woman in me.

And I believed — wanted desperately to believe — that he did.

Why did a different woman suddenly look back at me?

Was there a single reason?

I do not know.

For years, I had struggled to accept myself.

To accept my husband.

To accept the two of us.

I was not happy.

I felt worn down.

I experienced countless failures.

As a woman.

As a wife.

I experienced another deep loss too:

I did not become a mother.

And through all of that, my confidence was being dismantled day after day.

---

I knew something had to happen.

I had to become ready for change.

Two young lives should not be destroyed by a bad marriage.

That other WOMAN appeared in the mirror when I finally became aware of myself.

When I decided I wanted a divorce.

When I accepted myself as I had been created.

When I began looking inward.

At myself.

When suppression and pain stopped deciding everything.

When I learned to live happily despite difficulties.

And when I finally dared to believe:

I am beautiful.

Art photography – details.

Part of the BANHALMI ecosystem

For the professional context and practical side of portrait photography, visit the BANHALMI professional website. Related art series, books and exhibitions are preserved in the BANHALMI ART archive.